The Male Eunuch….a Victim of the Burning Bra

This is really more of a Western-stemmed cultural problem than a Filipino problem. Filipinos and Filipinas themselves have very little problem in this area, but the mentally-castrated male can have all sorts of problems. And this can and will affect the relationship.

I’ve already partially covered this topic at the start of the Myths and Cliches page, but I’ll elaborate on what problems it can cause.

Western men have spent the last 40 years under a cloud of guilt. When we try to be decisive, strong, reliable or merely by breathing, we risk being patriarchal and dominating. “Male” has almost become something of a swear word, eg. “That’s just so male!”, and “discovering our feminine side” is apparently always a positive thing. We’re even supposed to believe that having a visit from the Queer Eye for Straight Guy people can fix all our testosterone-induced problems. And every soap opera tells you that wife and kids are the smart ones who hold the moral high-ground, and dad is a buffoon. And don’t forget the bad dad in movies who can’t take Joey camping, or watch Jenny’s trombone recital because he has to work late all the time (to PAY for the tent and the trombone).

So what do we get? Men scared to be men. He visits his girl in the Philippines. He agrees to everything. He has no opinion about anything, lest he be accused of being patriarchal and dominating. When the relatives try to take advantage, he meekly opens his wallet. He’s proud of his cooking skills and his willingness to share the household chores (or even to do most of them). And he’s also scared of being a racist, therefore he surrenders his cultural identity and conditioning to hers. Whatever she wants, she gets. And this only becomes more bizarre when he’s 20 or so years older than her. (And no, I have no problem with age-gaps, but I do have problems seeing mature men losing their dignity).

She, on the other hand, has grown up in a society where men are men and women are women…..and unlike us enlightened westerners, they’re quite happy with this scenario. Men in the Philippines don’t want to discover their feminine side, and girls are happy to be girls. They expect their man to be masculine. They don’t have a problem with him relaxing over a few beers at the end of a hard day, and they’re happy to make him dinner and wash up the dishes afterwards. No, again, they’re not slaves or “trained to please men”. They have little time for tyrants and insensitive clods, but they are happy that their man wears the trousers. They WANT him to take care of them and protect them, and they EXPECT that he has an opinion and has the @@ to express it. They never dreamed of a “Queer Eye” graduate for a husband!

And I’m not in any way suggesting that you become a tyrant. This is not about getting your own way. They say that a smart man makes the major decisions in his family…..but he makes sure the decisions he makes are the ones his wife will be happy with. Or more directly, it means he remembers that he’s making the decisions that will bring about the right outcomes for the betterment of his family, and is highly mindful of his wife’s opinions. But it’s a known fact that men are better at handling tough decisions and situations, and that women are better at fine details. Men are more logical, and women more emotional. Rather than anybody apologising for their nature, or anybody blaming anybody for being “so male”, isn’t it better to simply respect and enjoy each others strong points? Those areas that your wife is better at? Leave her to it, and don’t fight for supremacy. And if she’s Filipina, she will normally let you be yourself and to do what you do well.

However, if you act like a Male Eunuch, or a doting, spineless jellyfish whom she can’t rely on or respect, then don’t blame her if she takes over and becomes dominant herself. Respect is something that needs to be earned.

And don’t be scared to speak your mind. Your have a mind. You have intelligence and experience. Use it! If she has an idea that you don’t agree with…..one that will affect your relationship or your future? Then TELL her!

– Don’t give more money to relatives than you’re happy with.

– Don’t try to sponsor relatives if you’re not really happy to do so.

– Don’t put off her immigration because her mother doesn’t want her to leave, if you’re not happy with it.

– Don’t just agree to a wedding in the Philippines rather than Australia simply because it’s what she wants, if you actually feel strongly otherwise.

– Don’t wait three years before you apply for her to immigrate, because her parents want her to finish her university studies first, if you feel strongly otherwise.

– Don’t have your bed full of 7yr old and 8yr old children if you don’t agree with this.

– Don’t change your entire diet to Filipino food, while she makes no dietary changes whatsoever. Just because our white ancestors mindlessly trampled any Asian culture they came into contact with, this is no reason for you to make up for their past sins.

TALK about things. Start your relationship off with joint-decisions, and make sure you BOTH do plenty of compromising. That’s what good marriages are built on, and it will ensure you have a close relationship (where BOTH of you are happy and fulfilled) for many years to come.